«Eating Disorder not Otherwise Specified» my diagnosis red
It used to manifest in starving or overfed
But at this point, a-typical anorexia is what I have now
How to live with this diagnosis, I don’t know how
If you are already skinny and get an eating disorder, you go to the hospital straight away
But I am still fat and need the diet, they say
Now, I just don’t eat for weeks at a time
But does anyone tell me I have crossed a line?
No, because I was fat when I stared, I’m a success story
Tell me that when I get dizzy and my sight gets blurry
If you are not recovering, you are dying
But the decease keep me lying
“No, I’m not hungry, thanks anyways”
While me body screams; I haven’t eaten in days
My mind and stomach are fighting for the other one to give in
My stomach screams for food, my mind wants me to be thin
It’s only when I’m hungry I feel beautiful
I feel so ugly if my stomach is full
It’s not just a choice to eat, don’t tell me that!
When even one piece of cucumber makes me feel fat
Anorexia gives me purpose, don’t you understand?
She smiles her toothless smile and takes my hand
She is losing her hair, and bones sticking out
She is perfect I want to shout
So I worship the girl with skinny jeans
With nothing but skin and bone it seems
The girl with thigh gaps and collarbone
With hipbones sticking out and a mind made by stone
My worth is measured solely according to the scale
I am heavy, but why do I feel so frail?
Dear eating disorder I hate you
But please, don’t leave me, not you too
And still, dear eating disorder, I love you!
You are the only one who gets me through
Because dear eating disorder, they don´t understand
Please eating disorder, please hold my hand
Dear eating disorder, I love you, let’s make a deal
Because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
So I keep pressing my fingers down my throat
Trying to ignore the warning the doctors spoke
I want to lose weight so I finally can deserve to eat
Right now, one blueberry is my only treat
It´s not just to eat, don´t tell me that
When every fiber in me is afraid of becoming fat
When I exercise 6 hours a day, and still refuse to eat
When I throw up little I eat, at least that is concrete
By starvation has replaced my self injury
My eating disorder holds my true identity
I say I am sick, the say no, you’re an inspiration
My eating disorder is the new creation
How could I not fall in love with my illness, I ask?
How can I not use anorexia like a mask?
I swear, it’s not by choice
But anorexia has a voice